You may not know much about me yet but you do know that I’m married! At another time I would love to write about how we met but for now I will keep it short and sweet. I met my husband Jake in 2020 and 2 years later we got married, it was the best day of my life! We live with my in-laws and I am very thankful to have developed such a special bond with them. They took me in as family from the moment my husband and I started dating, and we never looked back. We plan to live with them while we prepare to build our home.
June of 2024, We took our first Meissner family vacation!! It was my mother in law Pam, my father in law Mike, my husband’s brother Andy, his fiancé Victoria and of course Jake and I. We went to a big car show called “Back to the Fifties” in Minnesota. Little did we know it was going to be the last one with my father in law Mike by our side. We found out towards the end of June that the man made of steel with more than 9 lives was diagnosed with cancer. After finding out it was terminal and that it had already spread, he decided against treatment based on the information doctors were telling him. We told him we’d support whichever route he decided to go, after all it was his life that was about to be at play. The doctors had said once he refused treatment things would be changing fast. We just didn’t think it would happen as fast as it did.
Fast forward to August 15th, 2024 I woke up and couldn’t smell coffee. I knew something had to be wrong. The house felt colder and sounded quieter. I didn’t hear the clicking from Mike’s wheelchair that morning, and then I remembered Jake had told me that morning before he left for work that Mike wasn’t doing too well. I remember going into work and shortly after Jake returned home from work. We thought we were losing Mike. I closed my office early that day. So much was happening leaving me in shock without even realizing it. From then until August 28th, 2024 the house was full of family and long time friends from early morning until late at night. I got adapted to this new “normal” because I knew that’s all that was left to do. I adapted to people being around, the tv being off, food being laid out on the table almost all the time, and I remember the dogs’ anxiety being over the roof since they could sense what was happening.
Mike stayed in the hospital bed until the day he passed, he was in our living room so friends and family could come hang out with him. We heard a lot of stories and memories his greatest friends had of him, it was bittersweet. One of my favorite moments was when a family friend came to sing and play with his guitar some Johnny Cash songs. Mike really enjoyed hearing him sing. Throughout all of it, I’d often get asked how I was holding up and I’d always answer with “I am good” or “I am fine, thank you”. To me it still seems like a huge blur mixed into one never ending day.
As all of this was going on I realized 3 big things.
- I hated silence
- I didn’t want to be alone (something as simple as going to the restroom alone would terrify me.)
- I was afraid of death and people dying.
The tv was off a lot and if it was on, it was typically on low volume. I remember asking Jake if we could turn it up constantly because I hated how quiet the house was. At first we were told it wasn’t normal to have a tv on when someone was dying, but in reality was dying even a normal thing? I grew to be afraid of everything, I still am afraid of the dark and quiet. If you know me you know how much I love the moon and I used to love the darkness, now not so much. Funny how we can associate specific things with events going on in our lives. I kept telling myself I had to be strong for the people around me. They were the ones about to lose a husband, a father, a brother, an uncle, a long time family friend but never did I let myself feel what I needed to at the idea of me losing my father in law. Once I realized this is a real thing and there’s only one way out I got scared. Scared of the fact that people do die and that there is nothing you can do except be there. You see, being there I knew meant the world to my father in law but also being there for everyone besides myself was actually tearing me apart one night at a time. Towards the end Mike would hiccup so loud at night it would keep me awake, I would lay in my bed in fear that death was near, I then started overthinking everything. If Jake would turn around and sleep facing the wall I would freak out when he took too long to breathe at night. I would shake him awake crying afraid that he too would be dying. Mike also started mumbling a lot, his hospice nurse (who was amazing to him and our family) had told me he was talking to people who weren’t here anymore. To most people this would be comforting to know they won’t be alone once they leave the earth side. To me? It absolutely terrified me. I started to get upset when visitors would leave towards the end of the night because that meant we could hear him mumble more often and more clearly.
A week before he passed I reached my breaking point. My twin Joselyn had come over to be here with my family and help us with anything from cleaning to cooking to just staying with me so I wouldn’t be alone. One night we were in my closet, I remember her asking if I wanted to sleep away from home for a night and I remember thinking… is she crazy? How can I possibly leave when my husband needs me now more than ever. I was torn. Part of me wanted to go. I knew my mind desperately needed that rest, but the other part of me wanted to stay and be with my husband and his family because in my heart that is what felt right. After I started overthinking it, I finally broke down crying hysterically. Shaking in the closet about how scared I was at everything that was going on. I remember crying to my husband hating myself for how selfish I felt in being scared of death as Mike was in the other room having morphine every hour to keep the pain manageable until his time on earth was done. Joselyn immediately called my mom and told her I needed her for a night so I could at least sleep. After an hour or two of crying on Jake’s shoulder and talking to Mike and Pam I said my goodbyes for the night and went to my moms. Joselyn helped me in so many ways while I was helping everyone else as best as I could, Joselyn was there for me. She knew I hated being alone, I wouldn’t even drive alone anywhere. For a few nights out of the week I would go and sleep at my mom’s so that Jake could sleep as best as he could with everything going on. Pam’s constant reassurance meant the world to me, we knew things weren’t going to end well, but we knew we had each other with fear in one hand and strength in the other we’d get through it. Pam and Jake showed me a whole different level of courage throughout all of this. When everyone would go home for the night they would dress Mike or clean him knowing moving him hurt. They set aside how they felt and did what had to be done as long as Mike was comfortable, that was their top priority. In my eyes that took a lot of strength in the face of pain and grief.
August 28th, 2024 I woke up and Jake told me I should work. Mike was at the end, Jake could tell and he didn’t want me to get more frightened than I already was. “Don’t look that way, it’s not pretty,” he said. So I went in to work, Jake would come in and out of my office that morning to distract himself and check in on me. Jake came back one last time and said “ he’s gone”. I said “what do you mean he’s gone” Jake was not even gone from my office 3 minutes before he came back and said “he’s gone, he just died”. Immediately I shut down my office, closed it to the public even though the girls at work stayed working. I went into the house but stayed in the kitchen since Mike’s body was still in the living room. I talked to our hospice nurse while she was disposing of all of his medication. I asked her 3 very open questions about what happens next and through it all she answered me calmly and never sugar coated anything. She knew I was very scared and answered my questions carefully but that reassurance was always there from her and she constantly reminded me that it was okay for me to be more afraid of the situation than sad.
“Everybody deals with death differently” she’d constantly say. I don’t really know how to describe the feeling of the coroner’s van driving away. It was a feeling of relief that he’s no longer suffering, but also trying to take in everything and hold on to that last image of him, knowing it’d be the last. Before I knew it we were headed that afternoon to the funeral home to begin the planning of his funeral. All I could think of was how is the world still spinning when ours seemed to have stopped? That weekend we already had a burnout/ car show planned out for Mike hoping he’d be there to enjoy it one last time. With how fast his passing came we turned it into a celebration of life. Our family was blown away at how many people showed up in his honor. Mike had a whole village behind him, we expected about 200 people, but there had to be double that amount if not more. 2 days later we had his funeral and an endless line of people showed up. Some waited 45 minutes to say one last goodbye to Mike. Mike’s funeral was different than most, but that’s just who Mike was. He was the strongest man I knew, knowing him made me feel stronger. He was a stubborn hard headed man, but when it came to the people he loved he would do anything and everything for you. He loved me like a daughter and showed it too. That is something I will never forget.
Here is what I learned about death and everything leading up to it…
- There is an actual term for fear of death called “Thanatophobia”. Because being afraid of death isn’t talked about enough I started researching it more to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. This website https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22830-thanatophobia-fear-of-death taught me so much about what I was afraid of and related to most of the symptoms they described!! It made me not feel alone. If you ever find yourself feeling this way PLEASE reach out, I will wholeheartedly listen to YOU and be here for whatever you may need!
- Being afraid of death is NORMAL. It’s not talked about enough and it may make you feel helpless like it did to me. It is okay to be afraid of death instead of being sad. For the longest time I wouldn’t let myself be sad about losing Mike. I would do anything I could to avoid talking about death.
- It is not selfish to step away if it becomes too much. Learn to spot when you’re getting anxious. The last thing your loved one wants is for you to be distressed. Mike was still talking when he had told me I had no reason to hide my emotions from the reality of what was going on. I will say it comforted me a little bit to know Mike wasn’t afraid of dying, he always told me he knew where he was going and once his “number” was called he’d be gone.
- Grief will hit you at any moment Any day, any time. Find comfort in all the good memories and hang on to them. Your heart may feel heavy when a random moment of grief hits. It might be something as simple as hearing someone laugh like them and then you realize you’ll never get to hear them laugh again (yes, this happened to me, it was my first moment of grief I dealt with).
- Hug your family and friends. Tell them you love them and be present when you get together with them, you never know when the last time you see them will be.
- Ask any question you want. Say what you want, so that in the end you know there was nothing left unsaid.
- Pray as many times as you want. Through everything the power of prayer helped me beyond what I thought it could.
Lastly, a quote that really stuck with me and I have related so much to since Mike’s passing… “ I regret that it takes a life to learn to live” by Jonathan Safran Foer. When I turned 25 last December I was constantly worrying that I would be halfway to 50 and still have no clue what I wanted to do in life. That is where my fear of death came in and feeling like I am not “done” in this world yet. What do you want to be remembered for? What will your biggest accomplishment in life be? Living life to the fullest will make you overcome your fear of dying. With everything that has happened and the fear that I learned to live through I am now challenging myself to live life to the fullest so that I won’t have any regrets. In the end we are always stronger than what we believe! Remember our time here on earth is limited. How will you spend it?
Until Next Time,
Jacquie
